Knowing, deep at heart that I am an aspie has sent me into yet another re-evaluation of my entire life. Together with compassion for myself, I have found some compassion for those who had to deal with me through the years.
But more than anything, I feel the need to re-evaluate a lot of things I’ve written on this blog. Five years of writing. Or, is it six whole years? I can’t believe it. No, I will not change what I wrote, because that goes to “state of mind,” as they say in the courtroom.
I wish, though, I could re-write some stuff. For instance, not too long ago, I wrote about Mayberry, North Carolina, the town portrayed in The Andy Griffith Show.
On my post I wrote quite emphatically that I couldn’t understand why North Americans prefer to lie to save someone’s face, rather that letting others know the truth. I also said that in MY CULTURE, people told the truth.
Further to that post, due to a recent trip, I have gotten in touch with many people I knew in the past, in my homeland. That helped me discover that, in my culture, those of lower socio-economic levels are the ones who slam the truth on others’ faces. My family isn’t in that category today, but we have humble origins.
I, however, graduated from university and knew people in “higher places.” They were/are of a higher class, and they care for others’ feelings and are willing to lie to save one’s face. I didn’t fit in with them in the past, but they, classy and compassionate, loved me as I was. They laugh today telling anecdotes of blunt, rude things I did.
“She used to come to the classroom and throw her books on the desk. Once, one of the guys said to her that they had saved her a seat. She retorted angrily that they could have the damned seat, that she didn’t need any favours. The guys, knowing that she was different, started being sweet with her. Slowly, Lorena warmed up to them. She started to change.”
It would be unfair of me to say that I don’t have friends, that nobody loves me, because that just isn’t true. There have been people in my life who have put up with me, folks who endured my lack of social skills and inability to be “typical”. However, even they are willing to admit that it took some effort and that something wasn’t up to par with my behaviour. They will tell you that, academically, I was brilliant.
Yes, they love me. But, are we close friends? No. They all have their favourite friends. I never got picked as a bridesmaid. I wasn’t even invited to their weddings. I was a charity project to them. I wasn’t the friend they called when they wanted to party or to have a good time. I was the one they called when they wanted (a) help with homework or (b) to do a good deed.
So, I admit I was wrong when I wrote that in my culture people told the truth. That was an unfair generalization. The post however, shows one of my aspie symptoms: I can’t lie, and I hate it when others do. I tell the truth, and I want others to tell me the truth.
But, why do I want others to be straight forward and truthful? Because it is hard for me to pick up clues. In order to pick up subtle hints, I need to make a huge effort. I need to pay close attention. And it is tiring for me to be always on guard watching if others are sending a message. Not only that, having trained myself to observe carefully, I am now able to notice stuff others miss, and I am hurt. I can see for instance, as in slow motion, when others are trying to get rid of me.
The saddest part is that I know how I get on people’s nerves, but as hard as I try, I can’t make myself into a typical person. There is no easy way to change me. All I see is the rejection. All I feel is the awkwardness. And even when people out of kindness force themselves to put up with me, I can tell they’re just being nice, and that they can’t wait to get away from me (or have I become paranoid).
Interestingly enough, as much as I would like to take back a lot of the stuff I wrote, I’m afraid that re-writing wouldn’t change the main issue: I wasn’t treated well in church. Christians scored poorly at mercy. Non-Christians did much better at showing me compassion and love. And that is probably what helped me leave the faith. It is hard to remain a Christian when you have challenges that are beyond your control, and you’re being judged for them. Christians tried to cast out demons out of me, put me in all kinds of prayer lists, admonished me constantly, counselled me to read the Bible and pray, but they failed to give me compassion.
You REALLY have me thinking. That, and an interesting conversation with my aspie brother and the possibilities of aspies/asds being OVERLY sensitive rather than insensitive.
My experiences weren’t the same as yours, but still abusive. Yesterday, I spent a while reflecting on the things I have said about my terrible church experiences, and wondering if it just didn’t work for me because I’m “that different” and I didn’t fit in with it. An earth-shattering thought process for me.
I’ve been thinking if–perhaps–many of us ex-christians may be aspies. We don’t like to be lied to and once we figure out that it all isn’t 100% true, we can no longer take it. Others are able to live with the shady grey stuff–we go from believing all to believing nothing.
I’m impressed with the progress you’re making, even if it is difficult. I don’t think I’m an Aspie, but I do have some similar tendencies.
When you related your school story, an episode of my own life popped into my head. Back when I started work in a real office, I was pretty clueless to social graces. I had expected a business atmosphere to be just that; 100% business. One of the older engineers pulled me aside one day and said something like “hey, when you want someone to do something, you might want to actually ask them as opposed to telling them, and say ‘please’.” It was a real epiphany to me, which was probably blatantly obvious to most people. I realized that there was a “human side” which needed to be nurtured and tended to in relationships in order for them to work effectively. It’s been a long learning process, but one recent former boss actually complemented me on how well I deal with people. I still feel awkward, but I guess I’m doing something right.
I don’t do as well in casual situations as I do in business, so I can definitely feel for you when you say you have the pain of knowing when people are looking to get away from you. It sucks.
Keep up the good work.
That’s interesting, Wise.
Something else I’m learning is that we don’t have to be aspies to be wired different from others. After all, there are millions of so-called “wires” in the brain.
I suppose that when the difference in wiring isn’t too severe, it is easier to morph oneself into a typical than when one is a veritable alien–like me.
Yikes. I’m crying. And I’m telling myself, it’s okay. You’ve always touched something in me with your writing Lorena and you’ve done it again. It’s all good. I started crying and my heart went into my throat when you wrote this: “I’ve been thinking if–perhaps–many of us ex-christians may be aspies.” Then my heart started pounding in my chest and my throat.
In any of your reading so far (and I’ve started glancing at some of these new Aspie links) is there such a thing as “Acquired Asperger’s Syndrome?” That is, perhaps one wasn’t an Aspie but one became an Aspie? I’m wondering if one is not neurologically born that way if per chance one can become prone to change neurologically towards that of an Aspie? Food for thought. I shall continue doing some more reading.
Interesting point, Zoe. No, I haven’t.
But I am more inclined to believe that it may have been socialized out of you. And that you may have internalized the pain of forced-change, and it now shows itself as physical pain. That would be my hunch.
The reason, they say, that females aspies are hardly ever diagnosed is because most learn to hide the symptoms. They learn to mimic the “typical” behaviour and go through life pretending.
There are also degrees. Some are more severe than others. I would say my case is severe.
I can’t say I’m glad I made you cry. But, you know, the moral of this story–at least for me–is that I’m who I’m and I’ve got to stop trying to change myself, to adhere to social convention. At the very least, I’ve got to stop feeling guilty. That’s the least I can do.
I’m not even sure I need a psychologist anymore. After all, there is nothing about me that needs fixing. I’m doing the best with what I’ve got. And that’s all I can ask of myself.
Here is a post I wrote on Live Journal about my aspie symptoms. You may find it interesting.
Hi Lorena,
I wanted to come back to this comment of yours. “Socialized out of me” sounds about right and as you know, I’m a mind/body person so I agree about the effects of stress and trauma on me. I’ve read your other post you recommended and a few links that Erin posted a few weeks ago.
I think possibly/probably, there is an overlap of some sort where people can have Aspie-like behaviours but not be an Aspie. I think that describes me. I’ve learned over the years to look away and not make eye contact because making eye contact hurts. I see their suffering or I sense it. As well, I don’t want them to see mine. So, no eye contact means less stress, less chance of being triggered.
Don’t worry about any tears I shed. I’m not much for crying and when I do it’s all good. It means my guard is down enough to feel my own pain and connect with others that understand. If I’m triggered, I’d shut down. If I cry, I’m open to trust myself with the emotion I’m feeling. Tears in this case are good.
Thanks for coming back! To me, aspie means … “Wired differently from most people.” And I don’t think we need to have Asperger’s to be wired “weirdly.”
Some of us seem to have come from a different mold, aspie or not. But in any case, for me, just accepting and embracing my “weirdness” is a huge step. It helps me at so many levels, but mainly it helps me to (1) stop blaming myself for the reactions I arise in people, and (2) stop trying to be “normal”. It’s best for me to find the misfits of the world who are wired somewhat like me. That must be why I’ve always felt great around musicians and IT people.
I am most likely not an aspie, but I do think similar. I have always found it hard to, what I considered “playing the game”. I hate it. I don’t like pretending to be something I’m not. I like to be upfront, but have been trained not to be, except with very close friends. I like people to be straightforward and truthful with me. I couldn’t understand all the cliques, gossiping, and people worship in church. (Weren’t we supposed to be Christian? That doesn’t line up with anything I read in the Bible.) I didn’t fit because I could barely play the game. People were always surprized at me when I was just being me. (I didn’t know you could cook like that! Oh I didn’t know you were so organized! YOU like to camp? ) Or they tried to make me something I wasn’t, even insisted I liked particular things when they were so far off the mark I was ready to swear at them!
Anyway, thanks for posting. When I look back, (it’s only been 2 years)after leaving the church, I find I have better perspective on some things. However, as you, I find christians a less than merciful group. I find more mercy from non-church goers. And I find I have more mercy as well…but, as of this point, not so much for those still in my former church. I am still angry. And I am still healing and learning. Man what a process!
Francine,
Interesting that you said you’re not an aspie. I knew you weren’t when you said “close friends.” I don’t have any. I find it very difficult to become close to other people.
To be a happy church goer, in my opinion, a person has to have a certain ability to lie to oneself. That’s what you and I lack. Maybe I’ll make that thought into a blog post
)
I, too, am an adult aspie and am evaluating every aspect of my life. I receive no mercy from Christians nor compassion. I don’t really expect it. Really, these aren’t people with a firm grasp of reality. I don’t have close friends, and really don’t desire them right now. I tire myself out trying to read social cues, facial expressions, and vocal tones. I don’t like people touching me or asking me how I am. An hour at church is torture for me.
Still go to church?
Now, after six years of having walked away, I realize why church was so overwhelming. Too many people nosing into my life, and the effort I had to make to be agreeable and go along with the social bullshit. I”m not cut out for that. I’m just not.
I don’t go much anymore. I go primarily for my wife and kids.
I have extreme difficulty with metaphors, so sermons are usually incomprehensible to me. Also, people put on their church personas the moment they enter the building. I am the same person at all times. It’s impossible for me to act differently in different settings. I attend a United Methodist church. The people are generally less intrusive than at some evangelical churches I have been to.
Well, If I were forced to go to church. a protestant would be the one to go!
I feel your disappointment and I have no words to describe how I feel – confused, sad, agitated on those who call themselves as Christians yet could not act in Christ-like way. But who am I to judge?
I can not speak for you, but I can only share that my experience in GOD has helped me to live my life with more confidence and certainty.
Keep pursuing to find the truth … Have a blessed one.
Found the truth. There is no God. Mythology is no way to live one’s life. Fairytales are for children.
It is awesome. Excellent way to live one’s life. You grow up emotionally when you realize there is no sky daddy watching you in any way shape or form.