Having been closer to my family of origin in the last year or so has brought about much pain, and it has open the wounds of an early life with a group of people who not only failed to understand me, but instead grossly misunderstood me. (I have now decided to leave them behind for good.)
As I have stated on this blog before, and long time readers can attest to, I am different, really, seriously different from most people.
Up to today, I blamed my dysfunctional family for my troubles—yes, that was a problem. I blamed it on being a smart woman trying to make it in a male-dominated business world. Yes, that was a problem. I blamed it on having been religious for a large part of my life, and of course, that was a problem.
However, today, I had an aha moment.
After years of having tried to convince my husband that he is an Aspie, I finally realized that—yes, he is an Aspie—but that I’m one too.
I failed to see that before because, unlike my husband, I do care if I am accepted socially. I do notice when I’m rejected. He doesn’t. The lack of friends doesn’t bother him. That no-one ever calls him other than his mom is perfectly fine.
Today, I decided to look up female Asperger’s Syndrome and voila, yes, it describes me. Yes, I’m a little autistic. Yes, I have the symptoms. And while for some that would be awful news, for me is a relief.
All my attempts to fit in socially have failed, because I’m not like the majority of you. In my world things are different. And it takes a huge effort to follow your social rules to try to be accepted by you.
Here is an example. Today, an employee from our timeshare company called. With melodic sweet enthusiasm, the lady confirmed our upcoming weekend get away. I sat at the other side replying with dry yes’s and no’s while rolling my eyes in annoyance. Then, all of a sudden I realized that I had to pretend some politeness. So, I tried, by upping my voice’s pitch.
Subsequently, I thought my husband could use the info she was providing and gave him the phone. I requested she start with him from the beginning. She heard almost exactly the same borderline-rude, dry responses from him. We failed to match her enthusiasm. That’s the way we are: incredibly factual, no-bullshit, to-the-point people.
That’s when I realized why we have no friends. We just can’t get ourselves to live up to the social conventions that others think necessary. We are annoyed by steady noises and bright lights. We have trouble with sarcasm and figures of speech. We dislike change. We tackle tasks obsessively and research the smallest details. People don’t like being around us. Even our friends and relatives dislike our topics of conversation and think that we’re odd.
To be honest, right now, I just want to cry. But not because I know that I’m an Aspie. I want to cry because it took me this long to learn.
Why did I want to know that I am an Aspie? Because I keep trying to change myself, to be like other people, and I keep failing.
I know I’ve said many times that I accept myself the way I am. But it still hurts to live in a world that is expecting us to act a certain way, and it rejects us when we don’t.
When I look back at my entire life and notice all the times that I have been put down and humiliated for being different, I feel so sorry for myself. I want to cry for me. Just the way I would cry if I watched a movie about any other autistic person who tried to make it in the “normal” world and failed.
I can see how church wasn’t the place for me. And I can see why a career in technology WAS and IS the only place I was going to succeed. After all, I found many folks like me in that field. That’s why the office was the only place I could make friends.
A person with “special needs” like me was never going to be embraced by a family of psychopaths like the one I grew up in. They’re rude, cruel, and ignorant. They’re also into keeping up appearances. Imagine all the times I embarrassed them with my disregard for social conventions. No wonder they keep trying to change me, and think I’m such a horrible person. The one thing they value is where I fail at most miserably.
Tears are flowing and the pit of my stomach hurts. But I believe knowing this will make my life easier. After all, I am who I am, and I’m not going to try to dramatically change anymore. Attempting to make myself into a socially adequate individual is akin to making a wheelchair-bound person walk. It is destructive and futile. My efforts should be aimed at surviving with my disability, not at trying to make me who I’m not.
For those interested, here is a very good description of female Asperger’s Syndrome.
Here is a question to my readers (are there any left out there?): Is this a shock to you? Did you suspect?
Lorena — So the false niceties of some social conventions are alien to you. Some people might see that as a bug, but others might see it as a feature. After all, it allows you to transcend shallow apperances and get to the substance of things.
Some social conventions are overrated. I for one would rather hang out with you than with someone who was oozing phony smiles and small talk. I respect your insights and bluntness, which is why I keep coming back to your blog.
Thanks, Ahab.
The smiley phonies make me feel guilty. And that’s the part I need to work on, I guess. I need to hear the likes of you who accept and even appreciate my bluntness, instead of trying to make myself into a smiley phony.
Thank you so much, Ahab. A cyber hug to you
Let those tears flow. You brought tears to my eyes as well. This is a great post Lorena.
Like Ahab, I respect you and your honesty. I admire the way you write. I consider you a friend and I’d hang out with you any day.
Thanks, Zoe. I appreciate that.
Great post, Lorena, and I totally relate. I, too, struggle with most of the things you mention.
I have a brother who is an aspie, and he’s always said I’m an aspie, too, but I’ve never really given it much weight because I don’t have any trouble “reading” people. However, there has been new research into the idea of “intense world syndrome” or that those with autism spectrum disorders don’t have trouble understanding emotions and nonverbal cues, but rather the opposite. They process EVERYONE’s emotions and non-verbal cues, and become overwhelmed in groups or crowds because of it.
There is an article here (don’t know if your comments will take links, but I’ll try) http://www.thestar.com/article/633688
and original research here (I haven’t read it yet) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2518049/
that talk about this concept.
Excellent articles, Erin. Thanks. I appreciate them because I’m in the research face, trying to learn all I can.
I agree with experiencing the feelings of others too intensely. I have often been more upset than the person who’s actually been offended. That must be why I take too much stuff personally. I’ve started to think that I should donate myself to science … I seem to be a textbook case
The oversensitivity would, I think, pretty much destroy a person who grows up in a family like mine. Lucky are those aspies who grow up with loving, understanding parents. I feel like I was witch-hunt. They’re still trying to exorcise the demons off me.
I don’t know you well enough to suspect Asperger’s, but I did come to the conclusion that you were deeply hurt and mistreated, and continue to be mistreated, by your family.
It’s a great revelation that you can put a label on what you’ve felt all along! Not that it really makes it any better, but at least there is some comfort in knowing, to some extent, why you are the way you are.
Personally, I like your frankness. I never have to guess where you stand, which is more than I can say for other people.
Thank you for your words, Wise. Most appreciated!
Welcome to the research phase. There will be a lot of self-discovery and potential answers for you about yourself and your family. The truth is that most families with ASD are like yours–a bit dysfunctional.
I highly recommend Tony Attwood’s “Guide to Asperger Syndrome”. You’ll also realize that the books can be more real and representative (true) than the blogs and articles about ASD. Every person is different, and it seems that the blogs and articles showcase extraordinary examples. Most families with ASD have 50%ish members with ASD. Since aspies have difficulty seeing another’s perspective, the parents with ASD traits are often very, very difficult parents. Thus, most ASD families are a bit dysfunctional. The extreme religious perspectives don’t help acceptance and open-mindedness.
Your blog brings awareness to others. You are making a very real difference for others so that they don’t have the type of dysfunctional families that you came from. You are helping to open people’s minds to something they might not have considered otherwise.
Thanks, Cynthia. Do you have a blog? Do you recommend any blogs?
Hi Lorena.
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s six months ago, at the age of 32. I felt very much the same emotions that you have described feeling. The thought that echoed through my head over and over, was “I’m not simply weird/difficult/unfriendly – I really am different from other people and it’s not something I can change by trying harder”. What a great relief that perception was. I wish you all the best in your future journey.
That’s exactly how I feel, Liz. At the very least, I realize that it takes a lot of work to try to seem typical. I have tried as hard as anyone can, though. Time to pick my battles better, I think.
Congratulations! You have entered the world of Aspies (or Aspergians, as John Elder Robison calls us.) I remember when I learned about Asperger’s and the complete and utter relief I felt when I could finally tell my family that no, I didn’t behave the way I did as a child and teenager in order to embarrass them, and I really, honestly did not know any better.
Now that you know you have it, it’s time to seek out other Aspies. If you’re on Facebook there are communities for Aspies. If you’re on Twitter just try using the hashtags #asperger and #AspieChat to find other people on the spectrum. Some are diagnosed; many are not. You might check out Meetup.com to see if there are any Asperger groups in your area. You might find that when you meet other people on the spectrum, they are people you could make friends with.
It took me until I was in my late 30s to early 40s to make real, true friends, many of whom I originally met online. I found a workplace where I didn’t have to interact with customers or the general public, and I found that when I worked with other people who had the same kinds of skills and interests that I do, and who were okay with spending their entire day sitting and staring at a computer screen, they were the people I could make friends with.
There aren’t many books about women on the spectrum, but one I’d recommend is called Aspergirls. If I can pimp my own blog, it’s purpleaspie.wordpress.com.
Thank you, purpleaspie. The info really helps. Thank you for leaving your blog address. I will visit. I’m also thinking of starting my aspie blog. But, really, this is an aspie blog. Maybe I should change the blog’s name: An aspie who left Christianity.
Meetup doesn’t have anything in my part of the world, but once I went to a Mensa meeting, and they looked like a bunch of aspies (My husband is a member).
Glad you were able to work it out, I remember how relieved I felt when I first found it I had Aspergers. Btw, there are some wonderful Aspies, and several communities, on Livejournal. The Asperger community is actually how I found this Blog.
Take care. I’m xxasimont on LJ
Simon
Thanks, Simon. I need lots of support right this moment.
Lorena: If you’re ever able to hop on a ferry over to Vancouver Island, you and your husband would both be welcome to visit the Asperger meetup group that I run here in Victoria. I know that there are Aspies on the Lower Mainland who would love to have a group over there, too, if you ever feel like starting one yourself. The group website is http://aspergers.meetup.com/209
If you would like to chat with a fellow ex-fundamentalist woman with Asperger’s, feel free to drop me a line at rainbowgoddess@shaw.ca and/or add me on Facebook at the same email address.
Excellent suggestions. I’ll start by hanging out at your blog, and we’ll go from there. Yes, I would love a support group. I may start one if there isn’t one already by June or July. In school full time right now. Don’t have a lot of free time.
Thank you for all your support. I really appreciate it.
I also appreciate your bluntness. It is a relief to be around people who don’t expect everyone to follow social rules. I agree with Ahab and others who would rather hang out with you because of your honesty.
I’ve always felt that there are unwritten social rules that everyone else knew and I could never figure out. I thought for a while I was wrong about the rules and that they didn’t really exist, but I guess they do. I hope you learn a lot and make good friends but I also hope you don’t stop posting here. I’d miss you.
Thanks, Prairie. You did read my mind. I’m not sure that I will continue to post.
For a long time, I’ve been aware that other ex-Christians don’t think the way I do. They’ve even tried to change me, by trying to convince me to be nice to Christians who post here, for instance.
So, yeah, even in the atheist/agnostic community I am highly misunderstood, and I’m tired of it.
It’s touch and go as to weather I’ll continue to post here, but I will take my time making a decision.
I think you do an excellent job dealing with the Christians who comment here. I could use a little more of your bluntness. I try to accomodate people thinking that eventually I’ll at least get to them to understand my point of view. How has that worked for me in the ten plus years I’ve been blogging? Not well I’d say.
At one time I was wading deeper into the “atheist/agnostic community” and I found myself being misunderstood as well. I was even a moderator on a “free-thinker” forum and in the end, when I took a stand about something and resigned, holy cow the tables turned and it. got. ugly. Abuse all over again.
I understand the desire to move on from blogging though. Especially from our current themes.
The atheist community can be harsh. And then again, maybe a high percentage of aspies makes it so. Many have no qualms telling you they disagree. So you can only “belong” if you agree.
But, that’s probably the reason why I should keep writing. Maybe the atheist community needs awareness on this topic.
Hi Lorena, been reading your column for quite some time. I have Asperger’s too, which is why (I believe) I’m so anti-religion/religious. Now I’ll read your blog for two reasons!
Being an Aspie doesn’t automatically equate to being anti-religious. I’m an Aspie and I am not anti-religious. I am just anti-fundamentalist.
I guess I’m just an aspie with something in common with you
The truth that I’m not anti-religious. If people want to be religious, I see it as their choice, as long as they don’t want to preach at me.
I do, however, like to expose the lies of religion, because I hate lies.
Just found this: http://lesswrong.com/lw/818/how_to_understand_people_better/#more
in language I understand.
There is an interesting conversation about just how different people really are in the comments.