I was talking to my husband today about how I used to feel, as a Christian, and how I feel nowadays, as a non-believer.
The particular aspect of my person we were discussing was the “in public view” mindset. Let me explain. Did you ever hear this sermon preached?
“The world is watching us. They are checking to see if we really are loyal to our Lord. That’s why we need to represent Jesus at all times, to let him live through us, so the world can see him through us. “
I was telling him how much thinking that I was on display stressed me out. I also mentioned that in my family folks imagine that others are paying attention to their every move. So they live to perform. They figure others are paying attention to their clothes, car, house or whatever. “What will people say?” is my mother’s favourite saying.
The church sermons together with my upbringing encouraged me to live as if on stage. So, I was nervous and afraid, not to mention under great stress.
After I left the faith, however, with the help of a counsellor, I have concluded that it is irrelevant whether I’m being watched or not. I live to do as I find suitable, and if others notice, that’s their problem, not mine. They shouldn’t be so nosy :-)
Living as if on display was veritable torture. I do realize that not all Christians develop such fears, as not everyone takes the faith to task as I did. So, I am not saying that all believers feel the way I did. But I’m sure a subset of them does, and my heart goes out to them. Not only do they think that others are watching, they think god is, and that’s even more depressing, since it’s said he watches even the deep recesses of our minds.
Now, folks, let’s agree. That’s no way to live. There cannot possibly be “joy” in that. Hell no. Can’t a person have a private moment?
When I was a Catholic, the most unnerving thing was knowing that GOD was watching you every single moment of the day. Now that’s a recipe for neurosis! Upon losing my faith, and with it the notion that a cosmic Big Brother was watching me, I felt like I could breathe again.
Breathe again is a good way to put it. True Christians of all denominations are an oppressed bunch–they can hardly breathe.
You know what they say Lorena…
The truth will set you free.
I personally didn’t have this issue, but I’ve met people like your mom (in this respect) before. Although, it seems in this and in many other ways from this and your other posts, your mom elevates things to a whole other level. I am so happy for your transition to a healthier life!
Thank you for your support Wise. My family is a veritable cult, as you well know. My last trip, in September, closed the deal. They’re history. Yes, I will see them again. I’ll say hi, and then will go back to my hotel room and to my friends.
And, oh yes, “the truth will set you free” is the best Bible verse. The truest of them all.
I tell people that Christianity taught me how to lie. We were expected to be more perfect than was humanly possible. So, there was always a great disparity between the person I portrayed myself as to others (outward) and who I really was on the inside.
He knows when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake.
Sort of like Santa Claus eh?
I’d probably belong to the same subset you belonged to Lorena.
I think like Erin, now that I look back on it, yes, living the life I lived was a lie. I think I always had this awareness and it’s one of the reasons I just rotted inside.
Zoe and Erin,
You know what my problem as a Christian was? I never did pretend. I was real. And what did I get from the saints for being real?
- You shouldn’t think that way
- You shouldn’t say that
- You should be thankful for everything
- The Lord suffered in the cross for us. We should suffer silently for him, too.
Oh my gosh! No wonder I have PTSD.
I guess I should clarify. It was the Christianity that was a lie. Yes, I personally didn’t pretend at all with my belief. I believed.
Me to with the PTSD.
Yeah, I’ve never been much for pretending, which means I’ve had a lot of difficult conversations over the years about my cynicism, lack of faith and general refusal to conform – and that was in quite relaxed churches.
Fortunately, that acted as a handbrake, ensuring that I didn’t stray too far in the direction of fundiedom, because I wasn’t about to change, and knew that my brand of honesty would be about as welcome as Ian Paisley visiting the Vatican.
Hi Recovering Agnostic,
As much as respect that some bloggers want to be anonymous by keeping their gender private, when I read comments like this one, I so want to know if the poster is a man or a woman.
Why? Because I have the theory that most men are raised to be less compliant than women, and that helps them not to fall as hard for fundy Christianity. But if you’re a woman, then my theory loses strength
)
Interesting theory, and one that I’d like to explore regarding the general sex imbalance in the church. As a general rule, it seems that any men are mostly in positions of power, while the followers in the congregation are mostly women, which also seems to support your theory.
You’re right, I am a man.
Thank you for telling us that you’re male. My theory gains strength everyday.
Well, I didn’t pretend with my belief either. It was real.
But I didn’t pretend to be happy when I was hurt, or to forgive when I couldn’t, or to have received answers to prayers when I hadn’t. I didn’t smile when I didn’t feel like it. I said so when I disliked a sermon. And when I disagreed with the Sunday school teacher, I expressed my opinion. If I disagreed with the way the choir was run, I quit. If I thought a Bible study teacher was bad, I changed groups.
I was so honest that, for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why everyone else had an ear-to-ear smile and couldn’t see the problems. I went around like a lost child in a department store looking for mommy, asking people, “really, it doesn’t bother you at all?”
I was, psychologically, a five year old that the so-called grown ups ripped to shreds because I wouldn’t purposely blind myself to the obvious reality, like they did.
You are so good at describing things, Lorena.
I felt the pressure to be perfect and yet to never lie. It was a lot of pressure. Because I assumed other people were not pretending, I really thought most Christians were closer to perfect and I was abnormally evil. You know, for having nervous ticks and struggling with depression.
Plus, we were supposed to be a witness. And non-Christians seemed much happier and emotionally healthier than me. I assumed I needed Christ more than they did and that the reason they seemed happier was my personal failing. Which meant more guilt.
When I asked other people if certain things bothered them, they weren’t rude to me but let me know that they were not bothered at all and thought certain things I found soul-crushing were actually wonderful. I wasn’t ripped at, but hinted that I wasn’t mature enough to understand.
Thank you for the compliment! I also blamed myself for the depression.
The well-meaning saints urged me to pray more.
Oops. That previous comment was from prairienymph, not Gardening Adventures.
I think the “on display” phenomenon is more prevalent in fundogelical churches than in other Christian sects. It’s unnerving to think, “Oh, shit, if I fuck up, I’ll ruin the credibility of my witness, and sinners who need Jesus won’t be saved and it will be all my fault.” Jesus, what a lot of stress!
Not having ever been to a SallyAnn church, I can’t help but wonder how fundamentalist they are.
Sally Ann is officially evangelical. It differs from most fundy churches in that it
a) strongly promotes social ministry,
b) has ordained women since its early days (Catherine Booth’s preaching tours kept it going financially for years – she was a more popular (and better-read and more effective) speaker (and thinker) than William), and
c) does not insist on interpreting all of scripture literally.
Nevertheless, the overlap between the beliefs of many Salvos and fundamentalists often striking. On the other hand, a significant number of Salvos are quite liberal politically and socially. The organization’s “official” positions don’t always (perhaps usually) reflect what individuals actually believe. I don’t think most religious believers actually buy all of their sects’ party lines – they cherry-pick and build a body of beliefs that suits them. Salvos are no different than anyone else in that regard.
Thanks, Chappie. That helps me understand them better.
Lorena, I must say I am impressed. I consider myself a Reflective Christian who has evolved from Catholicism, to Fundamental Christianity, to what I am now. I have considered other faiths and lack of faith. I welcome doubt and skepticism as ways to seek God more. I also believe that we should do good, not because God is watching and if we don’t, then we go to hell. No, we should do good simply because it is good. I try not to impose my faith on others, as I used to do. I welcome others’ views and try not to judge others simply because they are different. I recognize I am evolving spiritually, which is growth, instead of being spiritually stagnated, as most Christians are.
Noel, you forgot to mention how humble you are. That is really what sets a True Christian apart, don’t you agree?
Noel: I think you raise valid points and I think what you are doing: good for the sake of good, listening and not judging, etc. is great.
My problem with your statement is that you claim most Christians are stagnant. How do you know? How do you define Christian? How is that not judging them? If someone went from Fundy Christian to Catholicism, how would you perceive them? Could you welcome doubt and skepticism if it didn’t lead to knowing God more?
Prairienymph, You are right. Thank you for pointing out that I am judging Christians by saying that most of them are stagnated. I guess I made this claim because my understanding of a traditional Christian is someone who is set in his or her views with no room for change or spiritual growth (like I used to be). I would welcome doubt and skepticism in any situation, because I think it still leads to knowing God, not necessarily in the way I would expect to know God more.
Most non-Christians I know also think that we should do good, Noel. And in my experience, non-Christians are more successful at doing good than the Christians I know. They give without expecting others to convert to their faith. They don’t give out of fear of a he-might-send-me-to-hell-forever god.
I, frankly, have no use for a god or a religion in my life. I believe I can be a half-decent human being without those heavy chains around my neck.
I know enough people of many races & nationalities who, like me, don’t subscribe to any religion, and the majority are excellent human beings.
Keep exploring faith if that’s what you would like to do. I’m done with it.