I was away for about two weeks, in my homeland. This outing was different from others in that, due to Facebook, I’m now in touch with lots of people from my youth, and I saw several of them during my visit.
I met those folks before I became über religious. Yes, I was already a sad, misguided person, but I wasn’t too religious. To these friends, I was a bit different yes. But they seemed to like me a lot. They loved me, in fact. I loved them, too. I still do.
But, what is so shocking about that? Well, only that during my Christian years I came to believe I was an awful, dislikeable person, since I was judged continually and harshly by my religious peers and leaders. It seems like everything I did was wrong to them.
As I have stated before, the Christian church to me was just like my family of origin. I can never do right in my family’s eyes. This became abundantly clear during a number of painful incidents I experienced during this trip. I may write about them some day, when I feel ready. They hurt me deeply, again. But this time my husband was with me. That made it bearable. Also, their behaviour has given me an excuse to put distance between us. I already told them that next time I’ll stay at a hotel.
Together the Christian “friends” and my family did a good job of making me believe that I was an awful person who needed to change to be accepted.
My others friends, though, loved me as I was. I don’t remember them ever criticizing me or accusing me of anything. Nowadays, they only accuse me of staying away, of not keeping in touch, of not calling.
And I didn’t contact them because I was ashamed. I was under the impression that everyone saw me as an “untouchable,” a pariah, a “hunchback” of sorts. When I was “found” a couple of months ago, on Facebook, I couldn’t believe that some folks remembered me with fondness. Then when I went there, and they hugged me, and we cried, it dawned on me that I ain’t so horrible. Though I must admit that doubt still lingers on.
These days I am in shock. Every week new people from my past find me and seem quite happy to know about me. I am leaving prison and sneaking out into the world again. I’m receiving love from all kinds of unexpected places. And I need that love, because my hateful family keeps on finding ways to make me feel unwanted, unacceptable, worthy of humiliation and disdain.
Honestly, I couldn’t say I am doing great. I’m in a daze. I will know in a year how all this is affecting me. My tendency is to retire from the world again, to figure it out. But that won’t happen.
I’m attending school, taking a full time program that should put me back in the workforce. I’m afraid, yes, but I have reached the point where working is necessary for my overall mental health. I need to be busy. Sitting around thinking about stuff all day was good for a while, but it is time to move on.
Another interesting bit from the last little while is that I’m now fully out of the closet. All my relatives and friends know, or should know, about my defection from the faith. I no longer have any qualms about telling anyone that I don’t believe. I feel that the subset of people in my universe need to know that I’ve left Christianity, for whatever it’s worth.
So, here I sit, back from my trip. Sad in some ways, happy in some other ways, but all around real. I no longer keep any secrets. On the contrary, I’m making efforts to be more ME everyday.
How about you? Are you still in the closet? Do you think one day you will come out completely? Is that important to you?
I love this post, Lorena! So glad that you were welcomed back with open arms.
I’m mostly out of the closet with most of the aspects of my life that certain people don’t get.
There are still those in my life (e.g. older, conservative relatives) I haven’t officially told everything to, though. If it comes up I won’t lie but it’s really hard to know how to start those conversations with people who are in such different places in life.
And, to be perfectly honest, I wonder if telling them would do more harm than good. Is it better to quietly let them assume whatever they want to assume knowing that the truth would probably freak the heck out of them?
You can’t choose your family, but you can choose whether or not they are worthwhile being around. They do not seem to be supportive in any aspect, so I think you are making the right choice by putting some distance between you. Leave the door open for them, but only when they are willing to demonstrate love.
I’m glad your old friends welcomed you!
I am out of the closet, so to speak, with friends and the adult family. I have made it a point not to talk to my nieces and nephews about my lack of faith, preferring to keep family harmony and letting them come to a stance on faith on their own.
I also have not mentioned anything about my faith at work. In most cases it wouldn’t make a difference, but in others it might. But doing a good job and being friendly is more important to me than letting everyone know what I do or do not believe.
It’s not important to me for everyone I know to know my beliefs, or lack thereof. I mean, I can’t tell you the last time I told someone “I don’t believe in Santa Claus.” I know it’s not exactly the same, but, to me, an atheist isn’t who I am, but rather just one of my attributes. Very few, if any, people know all of my attributes.
I’ve never met you, and I can tell you are a smart, witty person, who cares about righting wrongs in the world. That is beautiful. You are beautiful.
I understand the shame and self-loathing though. And the fear of giving up that poisoned view. Our trust has been abused and it is hard to trust yourself too. Maybe I’m just projecting my issues onto you.
Congrats on going back to school!
I’m not completely out, but that is because I have plans. I want some messages to be heard before the messenger is dismissed. One day I would love to not have to guard what I say, but maybe that isn’t possible anyways.
Lydia
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Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Coming out is such a personal thing, that I wouldn’t dare to judge you on your timing or method. You do what you’ve gotta do and may the force be with you
Wise
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Thank you for your support! I find it interesting how differently we all go about telling others of our unbelief. Our lives & relatives are all quite different, so it makes sense that we do it our way.
Prairie
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Thank you for your words and support!
Reading what you wrote made me realize how comfortable I feel about putting distance between me and my immediate family. It just feels right. A polite, distant relationship is the way to go. Sometimes people beat you so hard over the head that you feel no guilt about walking away and even waiving goodbye. I’m done with them.
Glad you to hear you have a plan. That’s good. It shows you’re in control.
Lots of positive energy in this post Lorena!
That’s exciting that you’ve reconnected with friends from your past. When I read the part of your post where you mention growing to believe you were an “awful” person I couldn’t help but think, ‘Thanks to the “wretched worm” theory of our past fundamentalist beliefs.’
When you’ve believed something about yourself for so long and it has been supported for years by those around you who seemingly were suppose to have your best interest at heart . . . well, it takes time to unwind all the abuse and dysfunction. We’ve got to replace the “I’m horrible” messages with the “I’m not horrible” messages.
And surrounding ourselves if we are able to, with people like your friends who support the “I’m not horrible” message will do a lot to give you strength and courage to keep healthy boundaries with your family that isn’t so supportive. I’m glad your husband was with you this time to be there during such deep hurt. I’m not surprised that you are “in a daze.” Shock is like that but shock can also protect us while our bodies and our minds adjust to the pain.
I think it’s great that you are going to school and planning on working.
As for being out of the closet, my family and close friends know but it’s not necessarily a topic that comes up much anymore. There are times I look for opportunities to speak-up and within some of those times I realize it serves no purpose at all to speak-up. I am not triggered as much as I use to be and that’s a good thing. I’m not sure if it is important for me to be out completely. I do know that what is important for me is to try and find a way to get along with the religious and communicate in such a way that I can gain their respect so they just don’t right-me-off when I use the term atheist or agnostic or non-religious or non-theist or humanist or secular humanist. At the same time I don’t want other non-theists calling me an “accomodationist” like it’s a character trait that indicates personal weakness.
Glad you are home safe and sound. Keep moving on.