Magical Thinking
Posted by: Lorena on: November 14, 2009
- In: ex-christian
- Comment!
According to Wikipedia, magical thinking is faith that mental powers can change the physical world.
What I want to discuss is slightly different, but I lack a better expression for it, so for the purposes of this post, I will redefine it. Magical thinking, to me, is the idea that an instant, permanent solution can be found for an ongoing problem.
My mom always thought that if I rubbed charcoal mixed with lard over my eyebrows for a few days, I would, forever and ever, have full, beautiful arches decorating my eyes. She was sure of it. She also believed that putting drops of a certain fruit’s juice in my nose would cure my chronic sinusitis.
I call my mother’s thinking style magical, because the so-called solution is supposed to instantly, permanently, and miraculously alter a situation which previously nothing else could change. The results are as wondrous as if a fairy had waved her magic wand.
Not surprisingly, I inherited my mother’s thinking style, though I like to believe my ideas were more sophisticated. In every area of life, I’ve been known for tirelessly seeking quick, magical solutions for weight loss, psychological issues, health troubles, etc.
If it weren’t for the stinginess that leads me to hang on to money for as long as possible, I would’ve fallen for lots of TV infomercials that said I needed not tire myself chopping veggies, waiting for foods to bake at regular speeds, or breaking my back cleaning carpet stains.
I did fall for psychological fads, though. There is a technique out there called EMDR. It’s about remembering the past and processing memories. If you do that, you’re supposed to live happily ever after. Been there. Done that. Didn’t work. (It may help folks struggling with only one trauma, though.)
I also tried 12-step programs. I’m sure they work for staying sober, and I’m thankful for them, but when it comes to psychological issues, I see magical thinking. They tell you, for instance, that if you go around asking for forgiveness of everyone you’ve hurt, you’ll feel good. And they provide heartfelt stories to encourage you. Every example includes a tearful, happy ending that involves hugs, forgiveness, and restitution–as in a movie finale.
But it ain’t so in real life. When you try to apologize, half the offended can’t even remember what happened, others still hate you after the apology, and yet others take the appeal coldly, say they forgive you, but show you the door at the first opportunity.
I can’t speak for others, but almost every time I tried it, I ended up more wounded than before and was left feeling like an idiot.
Obviously, the biggest panacea I fell for and that cost me the most money, energy, tears, and pain was Christianity. You pray and you’re forgiven instantly. You do the Lord’s work, and he does yours. You give him your life, and he makes you a new creature. You give God money, and he gives you more. One prayer—one lousy prayer—gives you eternal life.
No, life isn’t that simple. Nothing magical ever happens. Most results require work. There is no magic pill for getting more money, or losing weight, or getting rid of psychological issues, or receiving divine healing. The sooner we realize that life is what it is, that getting what we want and need requires hard work and dedication, and that some problems are just unsolvable, the sooner we will start living.
Going around under the illusion that our problems will be magically removed by a god or by the latest wrinkle removing lotion can be depressing. We keep searching and never finding. We need, instead, to use our energy for doing what’s possible and stop hoping for the impossible. That some benefactor will show up in our lives to take charge so we can rest and be happy, for instance, is impossible.
In fact, the one self-defeating belief I took from Christianity that most destroyed me was thinking that God was running my life. I didn’t have to do anything. He was in charge.
No, he wasn’t. No one was. I was like an unanchored small boat wondering the ocean, often being spanked by waves, flooded, and sank. No one was there to stir the boat to safety. No wonder it is now in ruins and may never be able to go out sailing again.
Of course, my magical thinking days are over. I no longer look for the one self-help book to unmistakably get rid of unwanted anger, or the guru that will teach me how to become a millionaire, or the beautician that will give me the makeover to be gorgeous ever after.
I know now that most goals are accomplished slowly, at our own pace, and by doing lots of homework. It may seem that I’m being negative, but I’m just being realistic. More than anything, though, I’m in the process of moving to a place of acceptance. I may always be overweight. The sinus infection may always be there. Emotional problems will always have to be struggled with.
And that’s OK. It’s called life. That’s what living people do. They labor for what they want and work with the hand they’re dealt. Waiting for big daddy to come from the sky to give us what we need is as naïve as believing in genies or trying to open doors by saying, “Open sesame.”
Winning the lottery out of sheer good luck wouldn’t hurt me, though. But I would have to start buying tickets first.
20 Responses to "Magical Thinking"
November 15, 2009 at 5:21 pm
In fact, the one self-defeating belief I took from Christianity that most destroyed me was thinking that God was running my life. I didn’t have to do anything. He was in charge.
No, he wasn’t. No one was.
For many ministers, the denominational leaders are in charge. They talk about making decisions by God’s leading, so it’s supposed to be God who’s ultimately in charge, but, the reality is that it’s just people exercising power over other people. Sometimes they do it reasonably well, sometimes they do it poorly. I can’t say that life was all bad for the deacon and me when we were in the ministry. Still, even though we continued believing in God, etc., when we resigned our ministry, we immediately relished our freedom when we took charge of our own lives.
November 15, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Mark
===
Yes, in the West it has been Christianity. In other areas, like Latin America, it has been a combination of ancient native myths and the Christian religion.
Chappie
======
As you know, just like you and the deacon, many Christians to different degrees do remain in control of their own lives even as believers. Very few naive souls are like me who give it all and expect it all from God and Jesus.
I totally agree with you that it is leaders with religious power who actually run the follower’s lives. And you’re right, a few of them do a very good job.
I would’ve loved having you running my life 
November 16, 2009 at 4:28 am
I’ve mentioned it before, but years ago I had told my father about thr aviation “rule of three”, mishaps come in threes, sort of a cluster effect. It isn’t true, of course, and yet…
My father mentioned this to a person who went to his church, a marine colonel who commanded an air wing.
This man told my father that he knew that story well, but that aviation was a scientific enterprise, depended on physics and laws of cause and effect, careful application, and good maintainance of equipment and not voodoo, hoodoo, or any other mumbo jumbo.
He further stated that if he EVER heard one of his people, from the lowest private to his own next-in-command say such a thing, he would give that person cause to regret it.
He paused, gave my father a rueful smile, shook his head and said: “Still, we ALL breath a lot easier after that third one”.
Rituals and patterns, recognisable things, especially in modern times?
Any kid knows that ghosts and monsters can’t get at you through your sheets.
I think most of us grow out of at least some of it, but there is the group that sees such a responsibility and maturity required as an act of lesse majestee against a “higher power”.
Besides, it’s easier and more satisfying than using ones head. 
November 16, 2009 at 5:58 am
I read this somewhere once and it makes perfect sense.
“There are 2 motivating factors in life, the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain.” Which do you think is the bigger motivator?
12 step programs are based on this concept. They attach pain to the activity(addiction). You see this when a speaker gets up a talks about how bad his/her life was when partaking in the addiction. Everyone in the crowd nods their heads in agreement. At the end they talk about how great their lives are becoming by not partaking in the addiction. Pain and then pleasure, pretty simple concept. Maybe the “Magic” comes into play when we learn to apply it in all areas of our lives.
November 16, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I would’ve loved having you running my life
You may want to check with the young deacons about that.
November 16, 2009 at 8:21 pm
A very excellent post that I’m reading two days late…Hey, better late than never!
November 17, 2009 at 7:50 am
Magical thinking is interesting to say the least…..Thoughts like….its raining because I am sad……or on the other side of the coin…its sunny because I am happy is a bit unrealistic……It is amazing how many people who are Muslim or Christian still subscribe to this way of thinking. Ideas like ….I will be given virgins in heaven and an everlasting life if I kill for Allah, or Noah put two of every animal species on his Ark because God told him to…..come on…that would have to be one BIG ark……It seems that many think that God exists simply because they believe he exists……..again we have magical thinking…..or religiously induced magical thinking….
November 17, 2009 at 9:32 am
T4T
===
Maybe the “Magic” comes into play when we learn to apply it in all areas of our lives.
Afraid I fail to follow. Sorry!
Sarge
=====
Interesting story. If I just knew what the “rule of three” is. Are you talking about 3 times is a charm? Maybe not.
Chappie
=====
Yes, I would love to ask the younger deacons! The people that guided me through life are easily outdone, though.
Michael
=====
Interesting point. I think we have both: just magical thinking and religiously induced.
Most grow out of the first and keep the second.
November 17, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Don’t sweat it, Lorena. I’d bet we all have fallen into the trap of magical thinking from time to time. I still wistfully daydream of my own sit-com… which is much easier than sitting down and writing it myself.
And as for the lottery, don’t give up hope. You don’t have to waste your money buying tickets. The odds of winning with a ticket and without are, statistically, about the same.
November 17, 2009 at 5:41 pm
The “Rule of Three” as in aviation is that accidents, major maintainance errors, ‘flight incidents’ alway occur by threes, in a cycle, sort of.
The “three on a match” is bad luck figures in, too.
A friend of mine tells me that this sort of superstition always happens with an odd, indivisible number for reasons she can’t figure out.
November 17, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Postie
=====
You don’t have to waste your money buying tickets. The odds of winning with a ticket and without are, statistically, about the same.
LOL!
Sarge
=====
Wow! I had no idea. I guess I’ve been a magical thinker, but never superstitious.
November 18, 2009 at 5:49 am
I used to play for a guy whose whole life revolved around rituals, and yes, he was a fundie, too.
This is what he’d do to start his van:
He’d get into his van, get out of the van, get the keys out of his pocket, get BACK in the van and stare blankly for about a minute at the dash board.
Then he would insert the keys, move the shift lever from Park to D3 three times, jingle the keys, and stare for another minute. Then he’d start the van and the trip (usually no less than half hour late) would begin. I’ll just say the old idiot could have made a fortune if he could have enticed adrenaline junkies to go with him. They’d have really enjoyed the trip. Jeez.
One day most of us couldn’t stand his dido’s anymore and insisted that he let one of the young men drive.
Jamie gets the keys, climbs in the driver’s seat, and old Ray starts hollering, “You’re doing it wrong! It won’t start”!
And Lo! the van started without his little ritual! And he was sorely vexed.
Jamie “Hadn’t Done It Right”. And it upset ol’ Ray no end.
And that was just ONE idiotic, ‘magical’ thing you had to put up with…
November 18, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Hi Lorena…haven’t been here for a while, catching up….ooooh I love this phrase, ‘magical thinking’. It absolutely sums up this little chickies life in the past 20+ years – leading to catastrophically poor decision making in relationships and career. One such experience led to me leaving my well established career for…a life more suited to prayer, and a job that would allow me to do that, ie, manual work filling freezers in shopping centres. Another decision equally horrendous was the ‘call of God’ to move countries to be with our missionary brothers and sisters, whilst leaving the rest of my family. The magical bit was that whatever was going to happen, it was ok because it was Gods will. I was not ok. Somehow I was able to get life back on track. But not without consequences, – which I now call life experience.
I liken the idea of magical thinking to bipolar disorder. When you are really high you think you can do anything, you think that you are invincible and you make risky decisions. I actually would like to suggest that many an evangelical or fundamentalist christian leader is drawn to leadership in a spiritual field because they themselves have a tendency towards bi-polar depression, which leads to grandious thinking. Sure, you may make a lucky good decision now and then but it’s a bit like Russian roulette. Extremely risky for the one told to hold the gun by faith.
November 19, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Sarge
=====
Are you sure the driver was superstitious and not mentally ill? Have you ever watched the show Monk?
Obsessive compulsive disorder makes sufferers look superstitious, when they’re just ill. Some medication may suit him well. It could help me, too, actually. If I ever get depressed again as I was a couple of weeks ago, I will try meds.
Tia
===
Oh my gosh! I don’t know what to say. If I say that I enjoyed your comment very much–which I did–it may seem that I am not empathizing with your pain–which I do.
I don’t know how you could pack so much info and so much feeling into such a short comment. Thank you for sharing. Oh my!
I particularly like your Russian roulette analogy. How true! That’s exactly how it is. I think I played it too many times, and I eventually managed to kill myself. But I shall rise from the dead. I shall!
And I so agree with your bipolar comment. I often think that Christianity promotes bipolarity (that a word?). How? Well, you have a high on Sunday, then go and live on an increasing low the rest of the week, until Sunday finally arrives again to give you the most needed high.
And the pastors…well. Some of them are so egocentric that it often borders on mental illness.
November 19, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I’ve really wondered about that guy, I really have. He always seemed so completely clueless, and yet he was quite successful in spite of his being such a doofus. It would take too long to really talk about the guy (and I already have a headache) but he was this kind of a guy: if you got into a revolving door, and he got into the compartment behind you, he’d STILL manage to beat you out before you came to the exit point.
He made it his life’s business to get his saddle on the backs of competent people and had figured out ways to keep them wearing them. When you finally got free, you wondered if you’d been as whack-o as him, why you stood it so long.
November 19, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Thanks so much Lorena, you’re coming out with some gems, things that really sum up my stage in the journey. I appreciate that you express it – I know that I am not alone.
Yes – “this is life” The rain falls on the good and the bad. A starving child in a poor country is praying just like the rest of us and they aren’t being miraculously fed, why should I expect God to find me a parking spot. I know, it’s all relative, but is it, really? I mean, as one of our famous tennis players says here in Australia…”come on!”
In my mind, I used to thank God for the small wins, magically attributing everything to Him…I sometimes still do, automatically like you said once in a recent post. It still gives me comfort to think that a god is on my side, rooting for me, opening doors for me all the time when the reality is I know that is not the case.
I were God, then what would I think? “Tia…30,000 children die each day due to poverty when you just hallelujah-d for a parking spot. Yes, I know you are human and have a limited world view, but, actually, you don’t, because I just saw your bill for $50 a month for the Discovery channel, which could feed a child for a year….now, come on!!”
November 19, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Sarge
====
That guy sounds like Monk the TV character, who is also brilliant and crazy. Hope your headache goes away.
Tia
===
Thanks, Tia. When writing comes straight from the heart it has good chances of touching other hearts, I suppose.
That tennis player is Lleyton Hewitt. His fisted come-on drives me crazy when he is playing someone I’m cheering for
I’m growing completely convinced that people ARE God. Everything I thought God had given me, or denied me, or made me pay for was done by people.
The fundy’s that post here are right, after all. I am angry at God, the real one, people.
If we want to thank or give the finger to someone for whatever, then, maybe we can address it to the human race.
November 24, 2009 at 4:56 pm
another great post. i don’t think you’re being negative here at all. and i don’t think there is any magic cure all either. therapy works for some. 12 step programss work for some. and forgiveness and amends for some. but i would never ever say these are definitely healing or good for everyone. i think we have to each find our own way and what works for us. and no matter what we do, i think we need to do what feels right, and safe for us.
certainly trying to make an amends to a complete jerk probably won’t make us feel any better
hope all is well with you~~~
November 24, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Thanks, MMM. Well said.
There are no panaceas that work for everyone. I will write about this on the other blog soon.
I think my learning disabilities (or super-abilities, LOL) also affect the way I learn about life. Mainstream psychology doesn’t work for me, neither do 12-step programs or religion. It is almost as if everything needs to be translated into a language I can understand before I can learn. No wonder I frustrated my mother so…! Almost everything she said was argued as in a courtroom.
November 15, 2009 at 8:53 am
Magical thinking is a very primitive practice. How did magical thinking ever survive and make it to 21 century?
Religion.
Religion is the vehicle that carries magical thinking and mythology into new eras. Religion enables backward thinking and a true lack of scientific progression.
In the west, Christianity has been the main enemy of reason and human progression more so than any other movement. Islam is right behind them.